Cmptrsdeal’s blog

When I met you I wasn't planning on falling in love.  I wasn't planning on feeling so attracted to someone, but you awakened feelings inside of me that I'd forgotten existed. 

When I met you I didn't realize how much our love would grow, that the attraction that first brought us together would reach beyond passion to the comfort of knowing I have someone very special, someone who is not only my lover, but my close friend!

When I met you, I had no idea where our relationship would lead us.  How beautiful you would make my world.  But now I know without a doubt...  The luckiest day of my life was the day that I met you, even though everything crashed before it's time...

But just another relationship for you, and it's just me, maybe with all the bad I've done to you, maybe I deserve how my life is now...  I know it's really all MY fault!    If it wasn't, I wouldn't be getting treated this bad, so hence, that's how I know who's fault it is.  Oh well, I'll try to have the same mindset as some ppl I thought I knew... 

I'm just me and no one needs to worry about me, nobody has, and doubtful anyone will, TRULY show they care, and it never fails...
 

This isn't a guilt-trip, but truly how I've come to feel about the situation.

no more excuses and no more lies to use as cop-outs.  I know you truly don't want me anymore, you want to do better than me, and I can't compete right now and you know that..  So I'm sorry you lost whatever feelings you say you had for me.

It`s not easy saying this to you
It`s the hardest thing I`ve ever had to do
But before you go, I want you to know

I wish that things were different you know that
But still I`m happy for the time we had
You mean the world to me
Baby please believe

Losing you is tearing me apart
But a part of me will be with you no matter where you are

I wish you strength
When times are hard
Oh I wish with all my heart you find what you`re looking for
I wish you joy, I wish you peace
And that every star you see`s within your reach
And I wish you still loved me...



new blog can be viewable at: http://www.thoughts.com/Cmptrsdeal/blog 

I pray with this time of being without me, I truly hope she can prove to me she's not lying and wants to make it up to me.  Regardless if she does end up not being able to come through, atleast she knows it wouldn't be anything new to me.  But I hope she does come through, I told her earlier I have alot of faith in her and hope she doesn't let me down, this means alot, atleast to me, I want us to get back together.....not TRULY sure if she does, she sounds very unsure...   even though I'm not there, which I wish she wanted me around....  She kept making more excuses on why we can't be together.  She did that enough when this all started happening, excuses and now my over-exajerating of my high blood pressure gives her even more ability to conjure up some more excuses.  You'd think she'd want to sound positive, instead of putting down the possibilities of our relationship.  But I don't know, time will tell on how she truly feels, but this song is pretty much how I feel about her right NOW....

Here's the lyrics and the video:

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

I look at the sunset
I look at the stars
I see so much beauty
But when I look at you
I see so much more
You surpass any wonder
Any star, any sunset
I would walk a million miles
Just to look into your eyes
Just to say I love you!

I longed for your love so I'd obtain a place in your heart
I wanted to be with you always and never have to part
You mean more to me than anyone- no one can compare
You are the world to me and so is this love we share
Together we have more than I ever thought we would
I love you so much more than I ever thought I could
I give to you everything that I am, my heart and soul
I'll do anything and everything for you, no matter the toll
Looking in your eyes, I see something that will persevere
A beautiful love that will last forever and grow every year
I hope that someday you will finally understand
That you're perfect to me and I love you with all that I am

and finally, the last one that really made me tear up last night, enjoy!:

When I went to bed last night
I made a wish for you
I closed my eyes and tried real hard
To make my wish come true

All night I dreamt of nothing else
Than your sweet smiling face
Once again I was with you
In your warm strong embrace

When I awoke and looked around
You were still not here
I spent another lonely day
Without you anywhere near

And when I go to bed tonight
I'll make a wish for you
I'll close my eyes, try real hard
And hope you're wishing too......

Ever since the day we met
My life has been touched...

My dreams have been more beautiful
The stars shine brighter than before;
The sun seems so much warmer,
Since I've someone to adore.

You've changed my life in many ways,
My heart has grown so strong,
It's all because of you, my love,
It has been all along.

I'm sure you know I Love You,
I just want to thank you too.
I have no idea where I'd be
If it wasn't for meeting you.

Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I'm dying to let you know

Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend

So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don't blame you for hating me
I didn't mean to make you leave

You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad that you're gone
Now I know you're the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

We fell in love for a reason
Now you're leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you're leaving and words won't bring you back
I'll never let go of the heart I broke

I can't believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can't believe now that you're gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had

Ok, I'm redoing what I've wrote in the past few days cause being depressed is not going to get me anywhere.  Yes, SHIT HAPPENS, but oh well.  Everyone goes through it and you can't give up, can't backdown.  I have had a good long discussion with one of my friends.  That's why I am suddenly all positive, instead of negative.  She told me the story of Job in the Bible and compared it to me and I can see what she means how it's similar to some instances on our negative outlook.  Sure, I developed a few new scars, but that doesn't mean anything.  Just that I have to learn and grow from it and become even better of a person.  Not to give up at all on who I really AM and what I TRULY am capable of.  I have to find my original roots and go from there and grow even stronger and don't always look down while I go through my life, but keep my head up and look towards the future, not the past, like I usually typically do.  But other than that, I just got on here to find something to do and wanted to write alittle for the heck of it.  Hope all is well. 

The past few days I let the negative part of me cause me to return to alcohol and smoking alot to try to run and hide from my problems, but if I want someone to really care for me and like me, I have to know I can trust myself and be a more stronger mentally.  By allowing things disrupt my mind, that's being weak.  So today, for once in my life, I am going to make a stand for my beliefs and the knowledge of knowing WHO I am and that I do not need something that's BAD for me to make me who I am.  I use to do very well without anything, but I unfortunately got into a habit of always drinking my problems away, or atleast feeling like I am.  I am done wasting my money away on poison...  I am going to try to write more as I use to, atleast everyday or every other day.  It's time to start out from rock bottom and do everything differently than what I usually do, that way I can be stronger and don't let history repeat itself once again. 

Overall, I am still staying with my upbringing abilities, that part will never change.  I am still going to try hard to find the one that's meant for me.   I want so badly for my kids, (if I have any) to know their dad's side of the family, cause if it weren't for them, I wouldn't probably be here today..........

God Bless You All and Have A Wonderful Day!

To Be Continued..........

I can always seem to get into relationships and feel really content and then BOOM, I get my rude awakening that I'm not meant to be happy.  I've said this time and time again and I keep getting the same answer.  I NEED to wake up myself and realize love is not for me.  I really cared and loved this girl, but while we were together, she fell for someone else.  Well what better time for this to happen than now.  I am COMPLETELY at rock bottom, both in love and in life.  She says that he's her friend and she doesn't want to change that, but still, there's still a choice of not wanting to be with me.  I know if I lived in Columbus, this would not be happening.  I know somebody somewhere is laughing their ass off, "HA! Andy got hurt again!"  I wish I'd find someone that actually gave me a chance....... :'-(  The sad thing is, she doesn't show any remorse of this, she's as calm as ever, maybe that's what kills me the most.

If loving you is wrong
Then my heart knows not what is right
I cry myself to sleep
Every second of the night
What is there to do?
What is there to say?
I know I can't have you
But still I give my heart away

I’d walk a thousand miles
And cry a thousand tears
Just to know your love
Will be waiting for me
But what is there to feel?
When you don’t feel the same?
I know I can’t have you
But still I give my love away

You are my dream come true
I wished upon a star for you
But what am I to know?
If you really love me so
I know I can’t have you
But still I give myself away

I wish I could understand better about love.  I wish wouldn't act as it is love, when it is nothing close to it. 

Why does it hurt so much
Why do I feel like breaking down
Was this all I dream I was in
Why did I have to wake up

Why can't I be the one you think of
The one you write about?
Why always someone else and us not to be?

Oh well, it's only me
I'm use to it

Perhaps that's why I don't break down
Why it doesn't hurt so much
Nothing is ever real
Nobody wants to be truly with me
They only act as they do when they have other intentions

Welcome to my life...

I want to have a son to where I can take out fishing and even if it's his first time fishing, I want to teach him how to fish. I know how to fish, but I have never taken a fish off the hook. I'd love to take off my first fish with my son. To experience the same thing he is going through at that exact moment. To share that feeling with him. "Hey, the first fish I ever took off, was with my dad, and it was his first fist too." To share that type of experience with him, that's all that matters. Even though I lost my virginity with someone that wasn't mean t to be, it doesn't matter, cause this would be the second best thing u could do. To have a special moment with your son... Even if it meant it was a daughter, I don't care. I still want to be able to judge what guy is right for her and to protect her with all my might and to walk her down the aisle, even if it means, I'll ball my eyes out, just something you have to expect, if u ever want to be a father. Just to make sure she's never treated badly and to do my best to help her find this Mister Right that she's meant to be with... To truly let my daughter go, that's the next biggest step in life. To let the one who you love, to left go to someone who is meant to have her. We all want the best for our kids, even though in some cases they are not even born yet It doesn't matter. Things happen. You always try ur hardest for ur kids. Regardless if ur kids turn out to be someone else's. If you get with her and things work out, doesn't matter. They're apart of her and for that, they deserve as much of respect as their mother does... I just want who ends up having me as their dad, doesn't matter who, to just know, I'll love them as their my own. The young woman I'm meant to be with, I know she'll be my entire world and everything I stand for, and I'll love her for her, not what she can do for me, but she she has done for me, and how she loves me. That's all that matters in life. You just have to do what you have and what u see. Don't keep trying and think u deserve better, just realize how much beauty you have right in front of you and accept it!!!! Cherish every minute of it and never let it go. As for my journey now...... I'll have to continue my journey for love, another time, cause I might have to leave where I am at, and start over, but my life's journey is still yet to come and when it happens, I'll love every minute of it and look forward to it so badly! For now, it's just me, nobody to worry about, but me, my life will have to wait, unless the person that cares about me enough, will be patient... but who knows, we'll see...

As always, TO BE CONTINUED............